


here in your doorway

by kylorithic



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/M, Fluff, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, No Pregnancy, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Rey Needs A Hug, Sex, blame taylor swfit for this, like blink and you miss it, rey goes through a lot of feelings in this fic, there's some bouncing around in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:35:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25670665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylorithic/pseuds/kylorithic
Summary: Rey breaks up with Ben on a Tuesday.---He stares at her for a moment, eyes flicking around her face, as if trying to find the words she’s refusing to say. “But why?”Because I’m scared,she thinks,because no one’s ever looked at me like you, like I’m something special.And then another thought, darker and harsher than the last:No one who has ever loved me has stayed.or a fic written for the folklore flash fic challenge, inspired by the taylor swift song "this is me trying"
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 61
Kudos: 236
Collections: Reylo Folklore Flash Fic





	here in your doorway

**Author's Note:**

> this is so far from what i normally write, i'm a little nervous to put it out into the world, but everyone has to get out of the comfort zones sometimes, right? 
> 
> shout out to the lovely folklore discord folks who were so sweet and supportive this past week, [kate](https://twitter.com/goodboysweatrtm) who let me yell at her at three in the morning and assured me i was doing a good job, and [mel](https://twitter.com/theyellowsaber) who was always there to tell me to "start writing bih" when i needed it.
> 
> feel free to follow me on twitter at [kylorithic](https://twitter.com/kylorithic)!

Rey breaks up with Ben on a Tuesday.

It’s a normal day, nothing special. She would love to say that the day was as tumultuous and dramatic as her actions, that the sky opened up and rain poured down as she made her way to Ben’s apartment for what felt like the first time. She would love to say that she looked a mess, that her hair was wild around her face and there were mascara streaks on her cheeks. But life isn’t a movie scene, and sometimes your skin is the best it’s looked in weeks and there’s not a cloud in the sky when you decide to break up with a guy a week after he confessed that he was falling in love with you.

“I’m sorry, but I’m confused.” Ben’s voice sounds so small, so broken as Rey stands in front of him and tells him that she’s done.

“I think I was pretty clear -“

“I need more clarification,” he snaps, suddenly angry. Rey takes a deep breath, her shoulders stiff. She didn’t want to have to explain herself to him, didn’t _plan_ on explaining anything to him besides the basics. She’s usually out the door by this point and halfway home, but that’s the thing about Ben - he’s not like anyone she’s ever dealt with before.

It’s one of the reasons why she needs to end this here and now, no looking back and no second guessing.

“I’m breaking up with you,” she forces out, sounding so much more confident then she feels at the moment.

He stares at her for a moment, eyes flicking around her face, as if trying to find the words she’s refusing to say. “But why?”

 _Because I’m scared,_ she thinks, _because no one’s ever looked at me like you, like I’m something special._

And then another thought, darker and harsher than the last: _No one who has ever loved me has stayed._

Ben is still staring at her, waiting for her to say something, but Rey has always been good at deflecting and hitting people where it hurts. It was the only way she survived eighteen years in the foster care system. 

(Finn tells her it’s not a healthy way to project her anxiety, but Finn also falls in love with anyone who smiles at him, so they each have their hang ups.

Rey’s just tends to hurt people more.)

“I don’t want you anymore.”

As she says the words, she feels her heart twist in her chest because it’s _wrong, so wrong,_ but she can’t hold on to him. 

And Ben - beautiful, sweet, understanding Ben - lets out a shaky breath that sounds like heartbreak and Rey can’t stay here, she can’t. 

Before he can say anything, she picks up her purse from the floor and marches out of his apartment, slamming the door. She thinks she might hear him call her name as the elevator doors in the hallway shut behind her, but she just takes a deep breath and stares at the buttons on the wall.

No looking back, no second guessing.

——-

Rey meets Ben for the first time on a Saturday.

It’s seven months before she breaks it off with him, when Poe invites her to one of his bi-monthly gatherings at his cramped apartment. It’s the first one that she’s been able to make it to in months, mostly due to her shifts at the bar taking up most of her weekends. As much as Rey has missed her friends, she desperately needs the tips that the weekend bar crowd brings in. But she lucked out this week, due to a well-timed shift trade with Snap, and she finds herself nursing her third White Claw as she meanders through Poe’s apartment.

The first time she sees him, she stares. He reminds her of an imposing gargoyle, just lurking in the corner of Poe’s kitchen, and she can’t help the giggle that rises out of her throat. She’ll blame it on how buzzed she’s feeling later, but right now, his gaze just snaps to her as her laughter reaches his ears.

“What?” he asks, shoulders hunching up and he brings his bottle of beer closer to his chest. And oh, _oh,_ he’s cute and awkward and Rey maybe wants to ask him if he wants to make out, but she stops herself. She’s not _that_ drunk.

Rey peers up at him. “You’re tall.”

He blinks, clearly caught off guard. “...I’ve been told.”

“And you’re wearing a lot of black.” It’s true. His shirt and pants are both black, and Rey hasn’t looked down, but she’s willing to bet that his shoes are also the same.

“You’re very observant,” he tells her, relaxing slightly. Rey would usually be offended by such an attitude, but there’s the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth and she finds herself grinning at him.

She sticks her hands out for him to take. “I’m Rey.” 

He stares down at it for a beat too long before finally taking it. “Ben.”

God, his hands are _so much bigger_ than hers and she’s a little surprised at the rush of heat she feels in her belly as the thought crosses her mind. Her grin widens even further. “Nice to meet you, Ben.”

“Yeah,” he softly replies, his hand still grasping hers. “You too.”

———

Rey drunk dials Ben for the first time on a Thursday.

It’s been three weeks since she walked out of his apartment, out on him, leaving their relationship in shambles on his living room floor. She doesn’t usually get drunk during the week, but there’s a lot of things that she usually doesn’t do and one of those things includes calling her ex-boyfriend while sloshed.

Digging her phone from between the cushions of her ratty old couch is easy. Pulling up Ben’s number from her contacts list (renamed DO NOT ANSWER!!!!! for her own sake since she couldn’t work up the nerve to delete it altogether) is easy. Pressing the _call number_ button is easy.

(That was the thing, wasn’t it? Stuff with Ben always seemed to come easy.)

For a moment, she’s nearly positive that he’s not going to answer because why would he want to talk to her, after what she did to him? Why would anyone want to speak to her, she’s some sort of unlovable monster who doesn’t deserve to have anyone stick around, and shit, now she’s crying - “Rey?”

Ben’s voice catches her off-guard, sounding just as confused as she’s feeling right now. It is nearly two in the morning. “Heyyy, you.”

“What are you - Are you _drunk_?”

She thought she played it off a lot better than that.

“ _You’re_ drunk,” she very eloquently slurs back at him. She thinks she might hear a huff of laughter on his end.

There’s a beat of silence before he asks, “Where are you?”

“At home,” she replies and then hiccups. “It’s quiet.”

Rey doesn’t mean to admit this to him, but it’s the truth. In the five months that they were together, she hardly spent any of her time alone and when she did, it was mostly just to sleep. Ben’s presence in her life was constant and grounding. Without it, she feels like she’s floundering, which makes no sense at all, because Rey never needed anyone _ever_. She got along just fine before Ben Solo and she should, logically, be able to get along without him now.

But her apartment is small and sad, filled with more loneliness than she seems capable of handling, especially when she’s having trouble focusing on not tumbling off her couch.

“You should drink some water,” he sighs. “Are you -”

“Do you miss me?” The question comes out like a whisper, blurted out from behind her hand fisted in front of her mouth. 

Another sigh. “Rey.”

And then it’s like she cracked open something deep within her, because she can’t help but spill out, “I miss you. Like, so much.”

Ben doesn’t say anything for a second, a minute, a _whole hour_ , she’s sure. She’s almost positive that he’s hung up on her, but that was never Ben’s style, who always felt the need to _resolve_ their problems when they were dating rather than letting them fester like an open wound, as Rey preferred. He told her it was because he didn’t want them to end up like his parents, letting fights go on for _months_ without any sort of real resolution. Rey admired that once, but now she’s just annoyed. “Rey, you need to sleep.”

“I think I’m broken. I think there’s something wrong with me.” Why is she telling him _any_ of this? She needs to stop, she needs to just shut up.

“There’s nothing wrong with you - “

“Why couldn’t I love you like you loved me?”

“ _Rey_ , that’s not -,” he hurriedly answers, sounding like he might be close to tears on his end and Rey seems to be really good at turning Ben Solo into a fucking mess. “Nothing’s wrong with you, do you need me -”

 _This has gone on long enough_ , the only sober part of her brain reminds her and Rey quickly tries to wrap up the whole mistake of a conversation. “‘M sorry, I have to go.”

“Rey, no, wait -,” Ben protests, but she’s already pulled the phone from her ear, pressed the end call button and thrown the betraying device halfway across the room.

And then she curls up as small as she can get, like she used to back when she was young and trying to make herself invisible, and closes her eyes.

——-

Rey kisses Ben for the first time on a Sunday.

It’s two weeks after she meets him. After what seemed like a ton of obvious flirting with Ben via text ever since that night at Poe’s, Ben seemed to finally get the hint and asked her out. Rey can’t remember the last time she went on a date that wasn’t just a Tinder hook-up. Sundays aren’t usually a typical night that one goes out on a date, but between Rey’s schedule at the bar and Ben’s schedule at the law firm he works at, it seemed like the best bet. 

“I can’t believe you’re going out with _Solo_ ,” Finn proclaims from where he’s lounging on her twin-sized bed as Rey digs through her dresser for the purple top she _knows_ is buried in it _somewhere_. God, why can she never find her cute clothes when she really needs them? “He just so, you know, _him_.”

As Rey’s roommate, Finn was the closest thing Rey had to a best friend. He was also the primary reason why Rey had any friends _besides_ Finn in Chandrila, mostly due to the fact that Finn was dating Poe and that guy seemed to know everyone. 

“What is that even supposed to mean?” she asks, pulling shirt after shirt from a drawer until she pulls out the one she’s looking for with a triumphant _aha!_

“You know what it means!”

Rey looks up at Finn, rolling her eyes. “Obviously, I don’t, since I’m going to a hockey game with the guy.”

“You’re going to watch a hockey game? You hate the cold!” he argues, gesturing wildly. 

“I’ve never been! It could be fun! Also, I _do_ own sweaters, Finn.” She’s not sure what Finn’s issue is with Ben. At the few gatherings she’s been able to make it to where both of them were present, Rey is nearly positive that she’s never seen them interact once. “What’s really happening here?”

“I just - I want you to date someone who deserves you, Rey,” he admits, staring down at the hands in his lap.

Rey huffs as she tugs off the sweatshirt she’s wearing to tug on the purple top, smoothing it down where it meets the top of the jean skirt she decided to throw on. “And Ben Solo doesn’t?”

“The guy is weird, okay? He just _looms_ all the time.” Rey chances a glance at Finn and he’s practically pouting on her bed, looking like a child who was just told that his best friend didn’t want to play with him anymore at recess. As much as she loves Finn, he can be kind of a stubborn ass sometimes.

“Not everyone can be Mr. Social like you, Finn.”

Finn looks smug and Rey throws her hairbrush at his head. “He could at least have some social skills!”

“He _does_. I’ve been texting with the guy for the past two weeks, he’s actually extremely insightful and very engaging.” And he had been, honestly. Rey has never been so excited to get a text from someone before and she’s not sure what that says about her, but it’s a little daunting and nerve wracking. She’s never _looked forward_ to something before. “He’s also really...sweet.”

Finn pretends to gag and Rey holds up another brush, threatening to toss this one at him too. He holds up his hands in defense and peers at her from between his fingers. “Oh god, you really like him, don’t you?”

“I really do.” The admission feels like she’s telling a secret and she can’t help the grin that spreads across her face. “It’s not the end of the world, you know.”

Finn sighs, standing up and making his way over to her. “I know.”

“And it’s one date.”

“So far,” he counters and Rey smacks him in the arm.

“Finn, I am a grown woman who can date whoever I want.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just being - I’ve never seen you so excited about dating someone.” His grips her shoulders in his hands, giving Rey a look that could be described as fond. “I guess I’ll have to give him a chance. For you.”

Another eye roll and Finn grins. Rey doesn’t know why she puts up with his nonsense. “Not that I needed your permission or approval, but I do appreciate the sentiment.”

“I know, I know. But he breaks your heart, I break his face.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” She pulls Finn into a hug, the other man’s arms coming to wrap around her shoulders with a firm squeeze. The moment is short lived, however, when there’s a sudden knocking at their apartment door. “Oh shit, he’s here.”

Finn looks bewildered, but also, slightly impressed. “He came to the door?! Maybe Solo is a gentleman, after all.”

Rey laughs, letting Finn go and making her way out her bedroom to grab her purse from where it hangs on the coat rack in the hallway. “I’ll be fine, okay? Don’t wait up!”

He throws her a thumbs up as she fiddles with a wild curl in front of her face before throwing open the door. Ben Solo is just as tall as she remembers and definitely just as hot, if not more so. He’s standing in the doorway wearing a black Henley underneath a black coat, and he’s paired it off with a pair of black jeans.

It’s good to know that her drunk brain still remembered the vampiric choices the guy made in clothing.

Ben shuffles nervously as he takes her in, and Rey preens a little at how his eyes seem to linger on the shortness of her skirt for just a second too long. “Hi.”

Rey bites her lip, stepping out into the hallway to look up at him. “Hi yourself.”

He gives her a small smile, one that makes his eyes light up and Rey’s stomach flip. That’s a dangerous smile, she thinks, as he holds out his elbow for her to take. Her arm is firm beneath her hand and now her stomach is flipping for another reason entirely. 

They make small talk as they walk to the elevator, the standard affair, really. But as soon as the elevator closes behind them, Rey finds herself pulling Ben against her before she leans up on her toes and presses her mouth to his.

As far as kisses go, it’s a pretty tame one, but Rey can’t help the sigh she lets out once Ben gets over the shock and his hands find purchase on her lower back, pressing her even more firmly to him. His hands are _huge_ and Rey’s mind seems to short-circuit at the implication, that maybe he’ll be huge _everywhere._

The elevator dings to signal they’ve made it to the ground floor, and they break apart. He’s looking down at her with a dazed look on his face and Rey can’t get over how this monster of a man looks so damn _adorable._ “What - what was that for?”

She can’t help but laugh, intertwining his hand with hers as she tugs him out of the elevator before the doors close on them. “For being you,” she admits.

“Oh.” He sounds so confused, but there’s a smile on his face as he follows her out the front of the building. “Okay.”

“Come on, I believe I was promised nachos.”

——-

Rey decides to go back home on a Wednesday.

It’s been a month and a week since the end of it all. It’s been a long month, filled with a lot of period dramas and a lot of concerned looks from Finn whenever she declines his invitations to go to Poe’s. Rey’s not _afraid_ to see Ben, she’s _not_. She’s an adult, she can handle seeing her ex-boyfriend in a social setting if needed but she’s just - she’s just _tired_ , so very tired and seemingly, all the time. Whenever she’s not at work, she’s curled up in her bed, either sleeping or attempting to sleep while Netflix flickers on her laptop.

It’s pretty pathetic, if she’s being honest.

The decision to leave Chandrila, if only for a little while, seems like a simple one. Rey has plenty of sick time saved up at the bar and her manager is understanding when she comes up with some bullshit excuse of having to visit a sick uncle. In truth, she had decided to call up someone she hadn’t seen since she turned eighteen five years ago.

“You look horrible,” Maz, her former foster mother, tells her, as soon as she opens the door for her. She looks the same as the last time Rey saw her, all those years ago, when she finally decided to leave Jakku in the dust and make it on her own in Chandrila. Maz has always been small, but Rey notices that the woman seems even more tiny in her old age. Other than that, though, she looks the same: large glasses fixed on her face and eyes that seemed to hold more spark than Rey ever thought she could possess herself.

Rey can’t help the snort she lets out, brushing by Maz to place her duffel bag near the shoe rack by the front door.

“Thank you, I really appreciate the honesty,” she jokingly replies.

Maz merely rolls her eyes, shutting the door behind the two of them and peering up at Rey from behind her coke-bottle glasses. “If you wanted someone to sugar-coat things for you, you wouldn’t have come here,” she says, matter-of-factly.

The words cause Rey to pause in her effort to kick off her sneakers and she glances back at the other woman. “You’re right,” she murmurs. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

Maz smiles up at her and Rey finds herself returning the gesture. For a moment, neither of them say anything, just gazing at each other fondly before Maz clears her throat and claps her hands together.

“Come on, I just took some chili off the stove! You can tell me all about this boy while you eat.” Suddenly, Rey finds herself being escorted down the narrow hallway to where she remembers Maz’ kitchen being at the back of the house.

“I never said anything about a boy!” she protests.

Maz snorts. “Oh, please, child, do you take me for a fool?”

Rey can’t help but laugh. “No, Maz, never.”

——-

Rey sleeps with Ben for the first time on a Monday.

She doesn’t intend for it to happen, she really doesn’t. They’ve been dating for nearly a month at this point and had been on more dates in that span of time then Rey even thought possible. And each one had ended with Rey pressing Ben against her front door and kissing him like her life depended on it.

(“You guys are gross,” Finn tells her, the last time she stumbled into their apartment with her lipstick smeared and her hair a mess.

Rey gives him the finger.)

They had just been watching a movie while Finn was out with Poe, and she really should have realized that it was the perfect setting for something like this to happen - to trace her fingers up and down his thigh as they sat pressed together on her couch, to kiss the underside of his jaw just to hear his breath hitch, to climb on his lap as she licked into his mouth and his hands gripped her sides in a way that was sure to leave bruises, to grind down on his lap and feel just how much of an effect she was having on him.

It seemed almost natural to lead him down the hallway to her room, bumping into the walls and the frames hanging from them as they both got distracted trying to remove clothes. 

And then suddenly, he was pressing into her and Rey felt like the air was being forced out of her lungs by how _full_ she felt. He took his time though, which Rey appreciated, since adjusting to the sheer size of Ben Solo’s cock seemed to be a feat in and of itself. After a few moments, when she finally felt like she could breathe again, she ground her hips against his in an effort to get him to move.

Ben took the hint for what it was and then they were moving together.

“Fuck, Rey -“ he chokes out as gives another thrust, hitting a spot inside her that makes her toes curl and a whine work itself out from the back of her throat, “You’re so - fuck, you feel amazing.”

“Harder,” she gasps, her fingers clutching at his shoulders. “Ben, _please_.”

“Anything,” he replies, his hips snapping harder, _faster_ , and Rey practically sees stars as she cries out. “Anything for you, Rey, fuck -“

And Rey feels her heart squeeze in her chest at his words, but another particularly rough thrust has all thoughts except ones of _more, please, yes, harder_ leave her mind.

Later, when they’re laying together in Rey’s small, full-size bed, her head resting on his chest, she suddenly finds herself giggling. Ben, still seemingly blissed out, just looks down at her with something a lot like fondness in his eyes.

“Are you laughing at me?”

“No, I’m just -,” she breaks off to laugh even harder, pressing her forehead against his chest as her shoulders shake. “Well, now I know for sure you’re proportional everywhere.”

And Ben, poor, caught off-guard Ben, doesn’t say anything for a moment before she hears his quiet laugh that quickly turns into the kind of laughter that has your ribs aching after a while. Rey’s _never_ heard Ben laugh like that before and honestly, it’s pretty contagious.

As they both lay there, laughing and attempting to not fall off her bed, Rey can’t help but think that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

——-

Rey finally talks to someone about the whole thing on a Sunday.

It’s been two months since she last saw Ben and three weeks since she found herself back in Jakku. Her “hometown” is just as desolate and empty as she remembers it being, void of any sort of real entertainment. The nearest mall is forty-five minutes away and the closest movie theatre is even further than that. Rey spends most of her time walking around the small suburb that Maz’s house resides in. It’s not comfortable in the slightest, since even in the early spring, the sun in Jakku is hot and unforgivable and Rey finds herself practically dripping in sweat by the time she finds herself back at Maz’s.

She does a lot of reflecting while she walks, about how she ended up at this point. How she ended up feeling even more alone than when she was a teenager, stuck in this shitty town with no one but a woman five times her age to call a friend. How she desperately wants to be loved and wanted, but pushed away the first person who truly made her feel that way.

Ben had it all wrong, there _is_ something messed up about her and she’s not entirely sure how she’s supposed to fix it. How does one begin fixing an issue you’ve had for as long as you can remember?

It’s later when she finds herself sitting at Maz’s kitchen table, sipping from a mug of Earl Grey after a dinner that consisted of more roast beef than Rey’s ever had in her whole life.

“Do you think I’m broken, Maz?” she finds herself asking before she can catch herself.

Maz merely pauses in her effort to stir more sugar into her cup. “Why would you say some nonsense like that?” 

Rey scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Because it’s true.”

The other woman merely shoots Rey a glare from behind her glasses, reminding Rey so much of when she was a teenager and found herself in trouble. “Rey, I know you’re young, but you’ve never been stupid.”

“It’s just - I did come here because of a guy.”

Maz merely continues looking at her, not wanting to interrupt now that Rey is _actually_ opening up. It’s a rare occurrence, that’s for sure. “I was dating someone and they were great, wonderful even. And they told me that they loved me and I - I don’t know.”

“You what, Rey?” she gently prods.

Rey bites her lip, staring hard at the scratched surface of the table and wondering if it’s too late to just back out of this. But she knows Maz and now that she’s started, there’s no way that she’ll get away with just brushing off this whole conversation. “I got scared.”

“And why’s that?” Another prod, spoken just as gently and softly as the question before.

She shakes her head, finding it hard to explain herself. “I don’t - I’m not sure.” 

“Rey -“

“Everyone who has ever loved me has left me.”

For a moment, it’s silent in the tiny kitchen. Rey clutches her tea mug closer to her chest, hoping that the warmth of liquid will somehow find its way beneath her rib cage and make her feel like she’s not on the verge of having a breakdown. Maz reaches a hand out, pressing the tips of her fingers against where Rey’s knuckles are white against the mug.

“My darling Rey,” she murmurs. “I love you. That friend of yours, Finn, loves you. And I’m sure that suave boyfriend of his that you’ve told me about loves you as well.”

Rey takes a shuddering breath, not daring to look up at Maz. She’s not sure she could handle it.

“I don’t think there’s one person out there who could know you and not love you, Rey.”

“But my parents -,” she starts, but Maz quiets her with a firm press of her fingers.

“Your parents were outliers, Rey,” the older woman insists, giving her a warm smile when Rey looks back up at her. “You can’t keep letting your past prevent you from having a future.”

And there it is.

Rey’s always known that this was the truth, she _did_ , but it’s one thing to tell yourself and another thing to believe it altogether. She looks back down at her mug and takes another shaky breath, feeling her eyes well up with unshed tears.

“Do you love him?” Maz asks, quietly from her side of the table.

Rey finds herself nodding before she can even really think about it, because for as much as she’s been denying it for the past two months, the feeling has been there lurking in the deepest corners of her heart. “I think I might.”

Maz smiles even wider. “See? You’re progressing already.”

And maybe, just maybe, she is.

——-

Rey gets into her first fight with Ben on a Friday.

It’s two months before she breaks up with him and it starts like most fights between couples start:

Over a game of Monopoly.

It’s stupid, really, now that she thinks about it. They don’t often have game nights, but ever since Ben and Rey started dating, Poe took that as his cue to plan “double dates” that usually involved some sort of board game and a whole lot of competitiveness. Normally, it’s not too bad (except Finn is, as always, a terrible loser, much to the amusement of everyone else).

But even Rey isn’t entirely sure how they ended up at this point, arguing in the middle of her living room over the top of Rey’s dinky coffee table. It has seemingly been going on _forever_ , it feels like, and they’re not even arguing about what started the whole thing in the first place. Rey’s throat is starting to hurt, Ben’s hair is a mess from where his hands have been running through it, and Rey just really wishes she could go to sleep.

“Maybe it’s better if I just go,” he bites out.

“Maybe it is,” she retorts, jutting her chin out as she glares at him.

“Fine.”

“ _Fine_.”

Ben leaves with a slam of a door behind him. Rey stands in the middle of the living room for a moment, arms crossed over her chest as she stares resolutely at the front door. She’s frustrated and angry and wonders how differently tonight would have gone if they had just decided to stay at her apartment and continue their watch of _The Great British Bake-Off._

Rey isn’t sure how long she’s standing there, fuming, before there are four hurried knocks on the door. Confused, she makes her way to the door and peeks through the peephole, only to be greeted by the sight of a frazzled Ben Solo.

She throws it open and he rushes in. “I don’t want to do this.”

Something in her chest drops. “What are you -“

“We’re not going to be like my parents, _we’re not_ ,” he grinds out, pacing in the small space between the couch and the coffee table. For a moment, it seems like he’s not even talking to her, like he’s caught up in his own thoughts.

Rey has heard pretty little about Ben’s parents in the few months that they’ve been together, and mostly in bits and pieces. She knows that he has a strained relationship with them, that they were married, then divorced, and then married _again_ all before Ben turned twenty-one. He only sees them once a year, for the most part, since they live on the other side of the country and he mostly communicates with his mother in weekly texts just to assure her that he’s still alive.

(Rey’s never had any parents, but she’s pretty sure Ben’s relationship with his could use some work.)

“Ben, I don’t -“

He stops his pacing to look at her, and Rey’s overwhelmed with how much _concern_ she sees reflected in his eyes. 

“My parents went to bed angry nearly all the time when I was a kid,” he explains, his voice shaking slightly. “I don’t want us to be like that, I don’t want us to ever go to bed upset with each other. I want us to be able to talk about - _whatever_ without yelling at each other.”

Rey blinks, once, twice, before she finds herself closing the distance between them to throw her arms around his shoulders. Ben’s stiff for a moment, before he slumps against her and presses his face into her shoulder.

“I -,” he starts, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry.”

Rey merely rubs her hands up and down his back, feeling the foreign hint of tears in her eyes. “Me too,” she whispers, and then, louder: “You can be the dog the next time we play Monopoly.”

And Ben, kind of a mess Ben, laughs.

——-

Rey runs into Ben on a Tuesday.

She’s been back in a Chandrila for a week, feeling better than she has in the past two months - like she can breathe without feeling like her chest is going to collapse into itself, like she can go and hang out with her friends without feeling guilty for having a _good time_.

(Maz had given her a few more days before she very firmly reminded her that she couldn’t hide in dusty and sweaty Jakku forever. It also didn’t help that Finn kept texting her asking when he could expect his roommate and best friend back.)

But Rey should have known better, really. Because Finn is still dating Poe and everyone knows that Poe is the closest that Ben has to a best friend, so it’s only natural that he’s also at the bar when she shows up.

He’s standing next to Poe and Finn at the table they’ve acquired in the corner and Rey’s feet suddenly feel like lead as she makes her way over to them. He hasn’t noticed her yet, so she takes her time looking him up and down. It’s only been two months, so not much about him has changed, but he looks a lot more...well, _tired_ than she remembers. There are circles under his eyes and the short laugh he lets out at something Poe says doesn’t seem genuine.

She wonders if it’s too late to just turn around and run, but Finn spots her at just that moment and waves her over. He at least has the decency to look as uncomfortable at this turn of events as she does, and Rey briefly decides not to eat all of his Chunky Monkey in the freezer when she gets home like she intended to. Ben looks over at her only to quickly turn away, seemingly focusing his attention on the label of his beer bottle.

This was going to be a long night.

Luckily for her, there’s a new face in the group. According to Finn, he met Rose while waiting in line at the DMV and learned she had just moved to the city from Hays Minor. She’s been hanging out with them for the past couple weeks and she’s so bright and cheery that Rey finds herself smiling despite Ben looming two feet away.

Conversation with Rose comes easy enough and Rey realizes that for as long as she’s been in Chandrila, she’s never really had any _girlfriends_. There was Bazine, Poe’s co-worker who she had bumped into a few times, but she wasn’t the most friendly person and Rey was nearly positive that she only hung out with Poe in an attempt to try to sleep with him. Rose is sweet though, and funny, and she seems genuinely interested in Rey’s story about being away in Jakku for the past month with her foster mom.

(She very pointedly ignores how Ben keeps glancing over at her, as if he’s working up the courage to say something to her.) 

“Oh, Rey!” Rose exclaims, smiling at her from where she’s sitting next to Ben across the table. He has been doing his best to ignore her presence ever since she sat down at the table, and Rey would be more hurt if she knew she didn’t one hundred percent deserve it. “We’re having a game night at Ben’s next Friday, you should totally come!”

And of course, _of course_ , no one decided to get Rose up to date about Rey and Ben’s shared past because why would they? Rey’s been gone for nearly a month, Ben wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it with a relative stranger, and she’s nearly positive that Poe and Finn wouldn’t have thought to say _oh, those two dated for a while and then Rey decided to break Benny boy’s heart and then skip town because she hates confronting her feelings or taking fault for her stupid actions, what a fun group dynamic to join, right?!_

Or, you know, something like that.

Rey glances at each person: Poe, who may or may not be glaring at her because she’s the bad guy in his eyes; Finn, who’s giving that look where he wants to say something but also doesn’t want to get involved that makes him ultimately look constipated; Rose, who is just grinning at her and not taking notice of the sudden tension surrounding the table; and Ben, who -

Well, Ben’s just staring at his beer like he wishes it would grow arms and punch him in the face.

“Um, well, I don’t know,” Rey mumbles, because this is awkward and weird.

“Come on, it’ll be fun! And Ben won’t mind, right?” The last part comes out as a question as Rose peers up at him and Ben still hasn’t said anything, so Rose elbows him in the side to get his attention.

He finally looks up, but not at Rey, never at Rey. His eyes find a spot just over her left shoulder and he nods, clearing his throat. “Of course not,” he tells the spot. “You’re always welcome.”

And she’s not sure what she expected to happen tonight when she walked in and realized she’d have to be in the same vicinity as her ex-boyfriend, but it definitely wasn’t to hear him say that she’s _always welcome_. It makes her heart twist oddly in her chest and she’s not sure if it’s a good or bad thing.

Rey’s probably gaping like a fish, so she merely nods in response and Rose claps her hands in excitement. “Awesome! This is going to be so fun!”

Finn and Poe let out noises that sound like agreement, Ben merely picks up his beer to clench it in his giant hand, and Rey excuses herself to the bathroom before she does something stupid like throw the bowl of peanuts at the wall or cry in front of Ben Solo.

Instead, she finds herself standing in front of the sink in the bathroom, taking large gulps of air as she tries to slow down the racing of her heart.

——

Rey learns that Ben is falling in love with her on a Saturday.

It’s a week before she decides to break up with him. They’re laying in his bed, which is so much bigger and more comfortable than her dingy little twin-sized mattress. She’s found herself staying over at his place more often the past couple weeks. Rey’s found herself explaining it to Finn that it just makes more sense - Ben’s place is closer to the bar she works at, it saves her from having to take the subway after a late hangout at Ben’s place, it was _logistics_. Finn usually just rolls his eyes, but smiles at how happy she seems.

(It also helps that it means he gets the place to himself to invite Poe over, so it’s a win for everyone involved.)

“You are a terrible blanket hog and I think I have bruises on my shins from how often you kick me in your sleep,” Ben teases, poking Rey in her side as she squirms away from him.

“I _do not_ kick you, you baby -“

“But that’s okay, because I still love you anyways.”

Rey feels her breath catch in her throat as she just gapes at Ben, who seems to have not realized the weight of what he’s just told her. They’ve been together for six months, it’s a natural progression of a relationship, she’s sure, but she can’t help the small seed of fear that she feels blooming in her chest. “What - what did you say?”

He looks confused, before recognition flashes in his eyes and he suddenly looks panicked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - that wasn’t how I was planning on doing that,” he hurriedly explains. “There was going to be more to it, I was probably going to be wearing _pants_ , for one -“

“Do you mean it?” The question comes out as a whisper and Ben pauses in his rambling to gaze at her for a moment. He gives her a small smile, his hand coming up to cradle her cheek.

“Yes,” he assures her. “Yes, of course I mean it, Rey.”

Rey can’t help the surprise smile that spreads across her face. “Oh.”

“You don’t -,” he pauses, thumb caressing a spot just below her eye. “It’s okay if you don’t say it back, I’m not expecting you to or anything, but I’ve never - you’re so special to me, Rey, and I -,” he pauses again with a frustrated sigh. “I’m not making sense.”

“Ben.”

He closes his eyes, looking embarrassed. “Please tell me to shut up.”

She laughs, covering his hand with hers. “Ben, it’s okay.”

His look of embarrassment is suddenly replaced with one of hope. “Is it?”

“Yes, very much so.”

“Okay,” he mutters. “Okay is...okay.”

The feeling of fear is still looming in the background, and Rey scrunches her nose, pushing against his shoulder in an effort to lighten the mood. “You’re such a dork.”

“And you’re still a blanket hog.” His smile grows wider to show off the dimples that she’s so fond of.

“Oh, I’ll show _you_ blanket hog.”

——-

Rey goes back to Ben’s apartment on a Friday.

It’s been two months and a week since she broke up with him, and the invitation to go to Ben’s apartment with everyone lingers in the back of her mind. Rey’s almost hoping that everyone forgot about Rose’s last minute invite, but if there’s one thing in life that Rey has never had, it’s any sort of ease.

“Hey, you want to head over to Solo’s together?” Finn asks shortly before seven, peeking his head into her bedroom door to see where she’s sitting on her bed, engrossed in an old episode of _90 Day Fiancée_. 

“I think it’s probably best if I just...stay here,” she mumbles, pressing the spacebar on her laptop to pause her show.

Finn sighs. “You can’t avoid him forever, you know.”

“I can definitely try.”

Finn just raises his eyebrow and Rey knows, deep down, that he’s right. As long as she’s friends with Finn and as long as Finn is dating Poe (which seems to be like a long-term sort of deal), she’s going to have to put up with being in his orbit more than she’d want to be.

By the time she arrives at Ben’s apartment with Finn, Rose and Poe are already there. They’re spread across the couch in the living room and Rey is immediately struck by how his apartment hasn’t really changed since she saw it two months ago. He still has the same books on the shelves in the corner, the bowl for his keys still rests on the side table near the couch, and his shoes lay arranged in a neat row by the door.

(The only thing missing, she realizes, is the framed photo of the two of them that normally sat near the pile of books by the television.

She’s not surprised though.)

Ben steps out of the kitchen at Poe’s excited greeting and she sees the surprise that flashes across his face at seeing her standing there. But just as quickly as it’s there, it’s gone and replaced with a mask of interested indifference. 

“Hey, come on in,” he greets and gestures at the empty chairs he’s dragged from his kitchen table into the living room. Finn thanks him, Rey merely nods. It’s civil and, for the first time since she hopped on the subway with Finn an hour earlier, she thinks she might be able to get through this night without making a fool of herself.

For the most part, she hardly interacts with Ben. It helps, having all their friends there as a distraction, and Poe makes the wise decision to not play any games that require too much teamwork, like Taboo or, god forbid, charades. She barely even looks over to where he sits across from her, too afraid that she’ll find him staring at her.

There’s a brief moment when she bumps into him in the kitchen, when she goes into his fridge to try to find the Coke cans he hides in the back. Rey hears a throat clear from behind her and she jumps in surprise, spinning around with wide eyes to see him standing in the doorway.

“Sorry, I was, um, thirsty,” she explains, holding up the red can like some sort of needed proof.

Ben nods. “That’s fine, Rey.”

And then they just stand there, staring at each other and not saying _anything_. It’s just as awkward as she was dreading it was going to be, the first time they’re alone since she ended everything. She hears Poe’s laughter from the living room and it’s the push she needs to get the hell out of there.

“Well I’m just going to -,” she practically whispers as she attempts to shimmy past him. Ben steps out of her way, but she sees the way his hand reaches out, like he’s going to stop her and she’s suddenly afraid of what will happen if he touches her. He seems to catch himself, though, and his hand drops back down to his side.

“I meant it,” he says, quiet, but still loud enough for her to hear. “You’re always welcome.”

Rey looks up at him in shock, but he’s looking down at his shoes. She jerkily nods and then hurries back to the rest of their friends, her heart racing in her chest.

—-

Rey goes back (again) to Ben’s apartment on a Saturday morning.

It’s been two months and _nearly_ eight days since the end of their relationship and Rey can’t sleep. She left Ben’s apartment shortly before everyone else, blaming a headache for her sudden departure. Ben didn’t walk her to the door, but he did give her a strained smile and a wave as she walked out. She’s been tossing and turning for the past hour and a half, not able to get her stupid mind to just _shut up_ so she can sleep and pretend that everything in the past six hours never happened.

With a huff, she throws her duvet off her and gets up, making her way to her closet to pull out a hoodie and slip on a pair of shoes. She’s not sure what she’s doing, but she’s so tired of listening to herself think, she just needs to _do something_ that isn’t laying in bed and wondering what Ben meant by _you’re always welcome._

Rey scribbles a note for Finn on her way out and sticks it to the fridge.

Taking the subway at this hour is asking to get accosted by a creep, so she splurges on an Uber and stares out the window at the empty streets they pass. This is idiotic, this is insane, this -

Ben looks like he’d been sleeping pretty soundly when he throws open the door to his apartment and gapes at her. His hair is sticking up on one side, there are pillow creases imprinted on his cheek, and he’s very pointedly not wearing a shirt.

Rey swallows.

“Rey? What are you - did you forget something?” he asks, his voice hoarse from sleep. “You could have just texted or called -“

“No, I didn’t forget anything.” She fixes her gaze on a spot just over his right shoulder. “I wanted to - can we talk?”

“You came to my apartment at two in the morning...to talk?” he asks, and from the corner of her eye, she sees his head tilt in confusion. She realizes how stupid it is, standing in his door this early in the morning, wearing nothing but her old sweatpants and ratty hoodie thrown over an old t-shirt that she’s pretty sure Ben left at her apartment. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was -“

“Rey.” Her name comes out like a sigh and to her surprise, Ben steps back to give her space to come in. She still doesn’t want to make eye contact with him, for some reason she can’t fully explain, but she accepts the peace offering he’s extending to her and steps inside.

The apartment hasn’t changed in the past two and a half hours since Rey left, but the energy in the living room feels thick and anticipatory. She wrings her hands in front of her, the sudden realization of what she’s doing there making her throat dry and her palms sweaty. Ben hasn’t bothered to turn on any lamps, so the only source of light is that of the moon that’s spilling through the blinds on the window, casting them both in weird, blue shadows.

“I’m an idiot,” she chokes out.

“What?”

“I messed up and I wanted, well, I wanted to say that I was sorry.”

He’s shaking his head, still seemingly trying to wake himself up. “Sorry?”

“For everything,” she admits, her voice sounding so small in the stillness. She can’t stop herself from letting the words spill out of her and she resolutely keeps her eyes on the floor in an effort to not lose her nerve. She’s not sure what would happen if she looked at his face right now. “For breaking up with you, for letting you fall in love with me - I’m sorry for all of it.”

Ben’s quiet for what seems like hours and Rey’s still looking at her shoes. She’s not sure what she’s expecting, maybe him to kick her out or to tell her it was about time she owned up to her shitty mistakes. It’s definitely not his quiet voice proclaiming, “I’m not.”

Her head snaps up and her eyes flit around his face, trying to see if he’s playing with her. But Ben’s just looking at her the way that he used to: like she was something special, like she was someone worth listening to.

“You’re...not?”

He shakes his head. “You broke up with me, yes, but that doesn’t -,” he stops, clearing his throat. “Rey, if you think for a second that I want you to be sorry that I fell in love with you, you’re insane.”

And she’s not sure what he means, not sure she _wants_ to know what he means. She broke his heart and left him thinking that she didn’t want him anymore, and here he was, calling her crazy. It terrifies her and gives her hope at the same time. She tries to cling to the hope.

He steps forward, hesitant. “You are still...very special to me, Rey.”

Automatically, she feels her head shaking in disagreement. “I don’t deserve that.”

Another step forward. “I think there’s a lot of things that you believe you don’t deserve and you’re wrong.”

“Ben -“

A final step and he’s so close now, if Rey reached up on her toes—

“I’m not asking you to take me back, it was your - I respect your choices even if I don’t fully understand them,” he tells her, sounding a little frustrated, but mostly resigned. Like this was something he had been telling himself for a while. “But I don’t want you leaving this entire thing thinking that you don’t deserve good things, Rey, because - fuck, I don’t think I know anyone else who deserves them as much as you.”

Rey feels her heart clenching beneath her rib cage because despite everything, Ben - sweet, understanding Ben - is still giving her the benefit of the doubt. “I -“

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I want to,” she retorts, sounding much more confident and more assured than she has in the past two months. He doesn’t say anything else, knowing that this is important, and Rey lets out a shaky breath. “Ben, I don’t - I don’t expect you to still feel the way that you felt two months ago and I don’t expect you to take me back, but I want - I know we can’t go back to what we were before, but I would really love if we could start over.”

She looks up at him and for a moment, she thinks she sees the hint of a smile on his face. 

“Okay.”

Rey blinks. “Okay?”

And there’s a real smile, a small one, but a smile nonetheless on his face. “Yes, Rey, okay.”

Briefly, she remembers a conversation they had not too long ago, when times were better and Rey wasn’t so scared of everything that she felt for the man standing in front of her. But that was then and this is now and Rey feels like she can breathe for the first time in a long time. “Okay is...okay.”

And maybe, just maybe, it really is.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this MONTROSITY. comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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